SUV Owners Suffer New Disease

Drive around any parking lot and you're bound to start thinking someone painted the parking space lines all wrong, or that they're invisible to everyone but you. But when you look more closely, you'll notice that the nameplates on the vehicles parked in these spaces usually say something like 'Suburban', 'Excursion' or 'Hummer.'

There's nothing wrong with large SUVs unless you count the fact that they're guzzling precious fossil fuels at double or triple the rate of, say, a Sherman Tank. No, the problem lies with the folks who buy these gargantuan 'family' vehicles so they can navigate the mean streets of suburbia through waist-high water in living room comfort.

I have no scientific data to back my claim, but I believe owning or leasing a large SUV renders you incapable of inserting your vehicle into a parking space without touching or straddling the border lines. In an empty lot, the first SUV driver can't help but encroach on at least 1 additional space! Not a problem when the lot is empty, but when large numbers of SUVs converge (and they will, count on it) it creates a domino effect. In defiance of all natural and mathematical laws, a posse of 8 SUVs can tie up an entire lot intended for 100 normal cars!

My solution to this problem is simple: Require SUV owners to pass a test! If they can't get all four tires between the lines of a single, normal-sized parking space on the first try, they should never be allowed to drive one again. They must also articulate the need for a 3-ton vehicle to drive their kids to and from school.

If you already own one of these behemoths and don't meet the above criteria, don't worry...you'll recoup your investment by installing running water and renting it out as student housing!