Urban Lawn Care

Whew! I can rest easy now, knowing that my lawn has been aerated. For those of you who live under a rock, aerating your lawn is of critical importance! In fact, you should stop reading this RIGHT NOW and go aerate your lawn. Otherwise, you'll be excluded from the impromptu neighborhood discussions that take place regarding lawn care. AND you'll be encouraging the terrorists who are out to deny you the freedom of aeration through intimidation and fear.

Basically, aerating your lawn is like working out at the gym for 2 hours when you really don't feel like going. If you don't work out, it's like going to the gym out of shape and working out for 7 hours. To properly aerate, you need an 'aerator.' This machine looks like a 300-pound torture device, which it is. It resembles a tiller but it's 18 times heavier and has a sort of roller with long metal tubes sticking out of it in the back. These tubes perforate the ground, leaving little holes and dirt plugs that look like terrier poop. To aerate, you lower the rear of the machine, then engage the roller. If you're not paying attention when you do this, your arm will become detached at the shoulder and hitch a ride on the aerator as it moves away in tank-like fashion. To stop, you simply pry your arm from the engage handle, which (you guessed it!) disengages the roller.

Now comes the fun part - turning around. Aerators are designed to make this as difficult as possible. If you've played defensive tackle or dabbled in sumo, you can lift the back of the aerator and turn it by pivoting on its front wheels. Otherwise you must lower the rear wheels (which raises the roller off the ground) to maneuver into position. Your best bet is to do long runs, zig-zagging back and forth until you finish a section of yard or puke, whichever comes first. Don't even try to go around a curve or tight corner with the roller engaged - remember, your neighbors are waiting for a good laugh and you needn't give them the satisfaction.

Once you're done and recuperating at the hospital, you'll look back on your experience with pride - knowing you're done aerating for this year and your lawn will still look just as crappy as it did before! BUT, your neighbors will respect you and you'll proudly stand (once you're discharged) among them as you all wonder why in the world you didn't hire a sumo wrestler or avoid aerating altogether. So, get out there and AERATE TODAY!

-Steve
room 237 at the county hospital