Can I Punch You Now? Good!

Does anyone else wanna beat the crap out of that Verizon guy? You know, the one who shows up in the middle of your shower with a phone to his ear, saying “Can you hear me now?” The ads were funny at first, but now they’re just plain annoying. Kinda makes me miss Joe Isuzu.

Maybe I’m the only one, but to me this “Mr. Verizon” ranks right up there with the Energizer Bunny (I’ve got an M-80 with your name on it, bunnyman!). But moving beyond the annoyance factor, I’m even more disturbed by the underlying message: “No matter where you go, we will find you!”

I love technology. In fact, I was making a nice living in the field until I voluntarily left the BEST JOB I EVER HAD SO I CAN SITONMYASSALLDAYANDWRITETHISSTUPIDBLOG! Sorry - I lost control there for a sec.

Anyway, the promise of cellular technology companies is that you can be in touch no matter where you are. This sounds fantastic, but look at the other side. Imagine you’ve just gotten within camera range of an elusive moose. You move very carefully downwind, avoid snapping twigs, even alter your breathing to keep from spooking your quarry. Then all of a sudden this goofus steps out from behind a tree. “Can you hear me now?” I guarantee Verizon would be looking for a new spokesman, to appear in other remote places like Soho.

People, we don’t need a cell phone to hike in the mountains, go white-water rafting or get saddle-sore at the dude ranch. But someday the wireless companies will make it all possible! The only advantage to this is the ability to immediately call for help if you get in trouble. But that takes some of the excitement away, doesn’t it? If you know you can make a phone call and have a helicopter pick you up, doesn’t that kind-of ruin it? Even worse, your boss will know where to find you – and believe me, he will!

Here’s my advice: Find a remote location that absolutely no pager or phone signal can reach. Tape a brochure to your monitor and tell everyone at work you’re going there on vacation. Then enjoy your trip to Disney World, free of interruption! It’s safe, your kids will love it, and you won’t need a helicopter!

Oh yeah - and leave your cell phone at home.