Monday, March 14, 2005

Athletes Have All the Luck

I’ve been thinking about this whole steroid scandal and it pisses me off. Professional athletes have millions of dollars and fans all over the world. They get to play games for a living on national TV. Some of them even have women waiting for them everywhere they go (shhh, that’s supposed to be a secret, no thanks to Kobe). But is all of this enough? NO!

These athletes have another perk: Real scientists working in laboratories to provide them with the safest, finest, undetectable performance-enhancing substances in the world. Well, America, it’s time we stood up and demanded equal treatment from these labs! Where are the performance-enhancing drugs for the Average Joe? I’m talking about homework drugs, housework drugs, construction drugs, lawyering drugs (OK, maybe we could do without those), soldier drugs, secretary drugs, CEO drugs, creativity drugs!

Imagine the possibilities! Sure, there are street drugs which can temporarily help, but they can be dangerous – and they’re detectable. As Americans, we deserve equal consideration when it comes to artificial, untraceable means of performance enhancement! (Wiener drugs are a start, but they’re only for men, and by the time you need them you likely have a health condition which prevents you from using them.)

America needs help! Everyone needs to improve their performance! I urge all of you to write to the scientists at BALCO, your congress(wo)men and even the owners of sports franchises. It’s about time they gave something back to the fans who can barely afford a seat at a sporting event. Stand up and demand your right to high-quality, undetectable substances!

Yes, this is cheating, but let’s face it: We can’t all be the best in our professions. That’s why we should legalize performance-enhancing drugs! Why work to improve ourselves when there’s always going to be someone who’s better? I say take a pill, kick that person’s ass and be home for dinner, with a promotion and a pay raise!

No doubt, some of you will object. But how many of you buy tickets to professional sporting events and watch them on TV, knowing that some of the players are great only because they’re on steroids? You’ve already bought into the system and helped finance their habit! It’s time to stop enjoying these drugs vicariously and buy from the source!

I’m calling BALCO right now…damn, the number’s been disconnected. Maybe they should have created some scientist-enhancing drugs first!

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