Does This Mirror Make Me Look Fat?

Yesterday I was checking myself out in the mirror after a shower (snicker if you will, but YOU do it too!)...more on that in a moment.

I found at a very early age that no matter how slender I was, I could push my belly way out to look as though I was carrying a bowling ball (or a small child) under my shirt. Even in college when I was doing 300 sit-ups a day, I could turn my chiseled abs into an orb roughly the size of a pumpkin (unfortunately, this requires much less effort than it used to). Then, in a flash I could return my belly to its original size and shape (this requires MORE effort now).

I bet you can guess that I was performing my belly routine in front of the mirror. Further experimentation with slouching shoulders and a droopy face made me look even more out of shape. On the flip side, thanks to my re-commitment to cardio and weightlifting, I can pull it all in, stand up straight and look even more fit than I actually am!

As I stood in front of the mirror, chanting "before", "after", "before", "after", I had an idea: I could be a BEFORE and AFTER model! You know, like the supplement ads you see in the Enquirer where the guy looks like a total slob, then in the after pic looks like a muscular slob with a wax and dye job wearing tan-in-a-can. Well, I can look WAY worse and WAY better than HIM (I mean worse in the before picture and better in the after pic, smartass). What's even better is I can make this transformation instantaneously!

My next step is to market myself. I'll need some good "before and after" pics and a list of supplement and excercise equipment companies. You can get Christie Brinkley and other celebs to promote these things, but THEY WERE BEAUTIFUL TO BEGIN WITH. To really sell this stuff you must create the illusion of success. That's where I come in...

Picture me in 'before' mode on the screen. The announcer says "In 20 minutes, the all-new 'CyberGym' will transform this grotesque genetic failure into Al Roker!" "We'll check in with Mr. Before throughout our brainwashing, er, infomercial. Later, we'll show you the amazing result!" Testimonials from celebrities and low-lifes who never even saw the product follow, with shots of Mr. Before (me) working out scattered among them. Then at the end, the FINAL REVEAL! There I stand in after mode, looking studly with mostly-naked women pretending to adore my fine physique. "Folks, we'll let the results speak for themselves. With enough money, YOU can have these women, too!" the announcer says, "But buy a CyberGym anyway - because we said so!"

Granted, this won't work on everyone, but the ovine masses will snap 'em up like popcorn. Later, as the dust settles on Mr. Neverstoodachance's CyberGym, he'll be watching me slouch for the camera while the TV announcer says "Say hello to Mr. Pre! In 20 minutes, our all-new "InstaMuscle" herbal supplement will transform this grotesque..."

Ahh, a dream fulfilled - combining job security with natural talent! Well, I'd better get back to my before and after excercises - I'll see you on HSN!